After my first anxiety attack, i have had numerous episodes where i have been overly anxious buy by and large the episodes are and have been manageable.
When I say manageable what I mean is that I just deal with it. Sometimes I follow a process that I have learnt (a dedicated post to follow), sometimes I just try to breathe and take a moment.
BUT!
My second full blown episode was at a large gathering. It is a place I have been many many times. I am familiar with the surroundings, and know everyone that goes there. But this particular time that we went as a family, I was driving on the way there and I became acutely aware of myself.
All of a sudden all I could think was about my appearance, my thoughts, and everything in between. I was thinking “what will everyone there think of me”. I started to think very negatively about myself.
“I am a loser” because I struggle with depression. “I am not a man” because I have anxiety issues. Then I was getting anxious because of my anxiety. One. Vicious. Circle.
I parked up, and got the kids out and got them settled in side. My senses were then heightened when it sunk in just how many people were there. What do they see when they look at me? What must they think of me? I look tired. I feel dishevelled. Exhausted. Old. I feel old. I look old.
“I have to get out of here”.
“Why am I even here? I just want to be at home”
Seeking refuge in the toilets I snuck into a cubicle and sat down. Head on my hands. Elbows on my knees. Then I just gave in and burst in to tears and tried furiously to catch my breath.
Just like the first time I remember being cold. Drenched in sweat. Shivering. This was going on for an eternity, everyone must have noticed that I am not there by now. (2 minutes had gone by if that!!).
I went to the sink, washed my face, composed myself and walked back to my family. Bottom lip quivering. Hands shaking. I have to be stronger in front of my kids. They don’t deserve to see me like this. I hid the whole episode as well as possible.
This shouldn’t be happening here. I am comfortable here. This is somewhere I come every week, I know everyone here. Being a familiar place couldn’t stop this one.
Anxiety has no consideration for me as a person or where I am, if it wants to get me it will!!
Marta could see on my face that something had happened, i just looked the other way out of shame.
Why was I ashamed? Why hide my feelings and experiences?
Because that’s what i do. I withdraw.
a Dad’s Mind 